Before reading this, please know that I am aware that I am writing this from a position of privilege. I know that not everyone is able to go on holiday for various reasons and they may not have a partner. I also acknowledge that my son is not medically complex. This is just one perspective and my words may not apply to your life.
“Your needs are not being met” my therapist said to me, over and over again like a broken record. I wanted to tear my hair out in frustration and yell “of course my needs are not being met! I have a baby who won’t sleep and cries constantly and I don’t know why! How can I do things for myself when I can barely meet my baby’s own needs?”
Fast forward two years and I see that having your needs met is a constant work in progress. When you have a child with disabilities you need to constantly and continuously check in with your partner to see that both parents are not only having their needs met and that they are practising self-care and self-love. As life goes on for my husband and me, I can see that the longer our needs are not being met; the faster things start to unravel.
On a recent holiday I made it a priority to voice my needs without making things unequal. Before the holiday I was frazzled from the stress of running around to appointments, trying to keep on top of housework and doing all the things necessary to keep life chugging along smoothly. I knew I needed to make the most of this time to slow down and listen to my mind and my body. Here are some of the things that I managed to do during the ten days of our family holiday:
- Sunbathe on the balcony while my son napped
- Read a whole novel cover to cover
- Go for a jog along the beach (and I hate jogging)
- Sit and watch the kitesurfers and surfers while Kasper napped in his pram
- Listen to one episode of my favourite podcast
- Go window shopping on my own for an hour
- See two beautiful tourist attractions
This list may not seem long or the activities might not seem particularly remarkable but I cannot stress enough how much being able to do these things meant to me. I felt free and happy. My husband and I are not wealthy people. We didn’t go to a 5 star hotel with childcare or travel with a nanny but we were still able to carve our moments for ourselves during the day. I made sure my husband also had moments to do the things he wanted to do. We’ve learned the hard way that when the tables are unbalanced, it’s easy to feel jealousy or resentment.
I’m no expert and I definitely don’t have all the answers but I have realised that you don’t need to be a millionaire or have childcare on tap to create windows of time for yourself but you do need a few basic things:
- Compassion: my partner is struggling. They are perhaps even in crisis mode. What do they need? How can I give them what they need at this moment? How can I take the pressure off?
- Flexibility: what you need is not going to happen for whatever reason or what you had planned is a disaster. Perhaps the situation can be saved or perhaps things have to be let go for now or re-scheduled.
- Equality: OK, I’m getting what I need, how can I ensure my partner is getting what they need.
- To be realistic: a romantic night in a spa hotel is completely unrealistic (financially or logistically) so what else can we do? How can we use the tools and resources we have to get what we need?
- Forgiveness: perhaps you’ve been point scoring, maybe feeling bitter because your other half spent more time with friends than you and you spent more time at home, you’re angry that things didn’t go to plan etc. sometimes you have to let it go. Forgive yourself, your partner, the universe and move on.
- Honesty: I need X and I need it ASAP. How can we make that happen?
- Compromise: that’s not possible but let’s do X instead. If you do this on this day, I want to do that on that day.
I’m sure I will look back on this list in years to come and think of more ideas but, for now, this is what I’ve got. I hear over and over that “this is a marathon not a sprint” and these words are beginning to ring true. Our son is highly unlikely to live independently and we are under no illusions that our lives will be typical but we do know that if we are going to run this marathon together on this adventure called life, we absolutely have to take care of ourselves and each other.
