I’ve got a bee in my bonnet. Well, quite a few bees actually. To begin with, it started off as one but they’re slowly multiplying and making quite the buzz so it’s clearly time to let them out. Warning: it gets a bit sweary. Here we go.
In one of my moments of peak anxiety during this pregnancy (and there have been a few), I reached out on a mum’s Facebook group to ask for practical advice on how to prepare for life with two when you have zero local family support and I was met with an array of responses. Some were absolutely wonderful, filled with all the practical ways those expat mums were keeping afloat. Others, not so wonderful. Peppered among the comments with advice, many were a variation of well, I have two kids and zero family support and I managed just fine. Yikes. Firstly, that’s not what I asked for and secondly, why would anyone think that’s an appropriate response to someone asking for help?
I came away feeling pretty crappy. As I jotted down recipes for batch cooked meals and numbers of useful services, I started to think about the message I was being sent. Sure, I hadn’t mentioned my eldest and our struggles there but maybe they were right, maybe I should just be able to handle it all, no complaints. Right? Or, perhaps not. I turned the words over in my mind and then I started to get mad. Why shame a mother for asking for advice? Did they feel better about themselves after? Did they feel smug that they were nailing motherhood on their own? Did they feel glad they had pointed out just how brilliant they are? I hoped this was an isolated incident and let it go. I gathered up what I needed and left the rest as scraps.
Yet, I quickly realised that this was not an isolated incident. Just recently my husband was talking about all the additional things we’ve been busy organising to put in place for the arrival of our second child and his honesty was met with confusion. The response? But can’t Katie have both children alone? I looked after both my children without additional help. Oh boy, here we go again. Anyone who spends five minutes in our home can see why we need as much support as we can get. Our lives look a little different to a typical family’s and that’s ok. We’ve spent quite some time figuring out our needs as a family and we’ve worked really hard on putting together a solid plan that works for us. We recognise the need to ensure that baby and Kasper are always safe and that I feel supported enough to avoid the horrors of postnatal depression making a comeback. Quite frankly, I feel overwhelmingly proud of my husband and I for trying to foresee any upcoming challenges. And yet, we are being met with comparison and shaming.
Online, it’s very much the same in the parenting world, and, in particular, the parenting of disabled children/caregiver world. If you mention you’re finding things hard, you’re ableist. Need additional support? Ableist. Need additional services? A nuisance and probably ableist too. The reoccurring theme I’m seeing is that ALL parenting is hard and ALL parenting is just that, parenting. Is it though? Can you look the parents of a child who wakes up multiple times a night seizing, needing suctioning and re-positioning in the eye and tell them their experience is ‘just’ part of parenting? Can you honestly say they don’t need additional support? And while that has not been our experience of parenting, I’m not afraid to say that we DO have certain needs that not all families may have. Something that has stuck with me since I heard it in during a support session for parents/caregivers of children with disabilities is that caregivers of children with additional needs also have additional needs and while we can argue till the cows come home about the terms ‘caregiver’ and ‘additional needs’, I think we can all agree that some humans need more support than others and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Honestly though, I’m confused. I thought we were heading into an era where it was become easier to be open and honest about our challenges and needs as humans. I thought we were moving away from the stiff upper lip, just smile/grimace through the hard and get on with it attitude. Therapy is becoming less taboo. People are breaking down the shame barriers surrounding tricky topics every day and yet there is still so much work to be done. Mums are continuing to shame one another on a daily basis and I am so fucking tired of it. Am I radical for thinking that we should meet people with what do you need? Or How can we make things easier for you? Rather than you are ableist/demanding/attention seeking or I managed/coped/did it all without help or complaining.
If you feel you are nailing every aspect of your life, whether it be parenting or otherwise, and need zero support, congratulations! However, if you feel the need to rub that in the face of someone openly struggling, I think it’s time to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel the need to do that.
When we encase people in shame, we silence them. We allow that shame to grow uncontrollably until it takes over every aspect. Left to its own devices, shame can have devastating consequences. As someone who was drowning in both shame and struggles, I know first-hand just how dangerous that combination can be and how far it can go. With it being suicide awareness month, I think we all need to take a moment to step back and examine our response to people’s honesty around struggles and needs. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 36 weeks pregnant or because there’s a heatwave in September or because I’ve been up since 4am but I am absolutely over this bullshit. Life is hard. Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with disabilities is hard. Are we going to create safe spaces for those seeking help and support or are we going to let them drown in shame and silence?
Let’s flip the narrative.
Finding things hard? You’re brave for talking about it.
Asking for additional support? Brave.
Asking for additional services? Super brave. Thank you for being honest.
And, for anyone reading this who is unclear on how to respond to someone in need, here are some words of wisdom from Thumper (yes, I mean the rabbit):
If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.
Bees released.
Rant over.